1. |
Grumpy Old Drac
03:02
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I’m a fuckin' vampire!!
Since 1395
I made a deal on my deathbed
For eternal life
The devil smiled upon me
As I signed my name in blood
I thought I’d cheated death
But the worst was yet to come
I’m not among the living
And so I cannot die
But neither am I dead
Oh man alive
Wish I could take it all back
Don’t wanna be grumpy old drac
Six hundred years
I’ve been around
And everyone I love
Is 6 feet beneath the ground
I dream of death
But it never comes
It’s all I want
Please just let me turn to dust
That’s not what I ordered
Send it back
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2. |
Into A Skeleton
03:22
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Ain’t talkin bout fantasy
This is real as an STD
When the angel of death
Comes a-lookin for me
When the veil of society
Is gone, set your spirit free
is it time for tears
Or will you smile back
Life is short and progress slow
And no man knows
Until it’s time
The sands of time are running low
So get your kicks
Before you turn
Into a skeleton
Dead men walking in the street
Shattered glass yet now complete
It’s just a matter of time
But I’ll wait
It’s like watching m night shyamalan
But you know the twist in the end
Nobody escapes
And no one can run
Life is short and progress slow
And no man knows
Until it’s time
The hourglass is running low
So get your fill
Before you turn
Into a skeleton
The whiskey jar is running low
So raise your glass
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3. |
King Cryptid
02:58
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Far beyond these earthly tethers
Lies a place that time can’t measure
Dark and damp, fog and rain
Somewhere between time and space
A swamp world made for me
Oh I just can’t wait to be
King cryptid
Eternal bog, cosmic swamp
You can call it whatever you want
A kingdom made for me
And in this realm I’ll be
King cryptid
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4. |
Frog Coffin
03:20
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By shade of night
I open the gate
And I finally feel that I’m
At home
Full moon above
The inviting earth below
I think I’ll lay my bones
To rest
I crack the lid
To my Frog coffin
A feeling of calm returns to me
Tonight I rest among the dead
Tonight I feel that I am free
Someday I’ll sleep here forever
When it’s time to take my final rest
Life becomes more livable
When you know
It ends in certain death
Wow!
I climb inside
Lower the lid
And my whole world turns
To black
Calm and content
In my frog coffin
And boy I really don’t wanna
Go back
I’d rather live
Among the dead
Quiet neighbors
No complaints from me
For now I’ll have to wait
Til I stay forever in the coffin's peace
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5. |
Seen A Ghost
05:14
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A box of free stuff
On the corner
Underneath the
Broken glass inside
Covered in dust
I saw an old tome
From a long, long
Fucking time ago
Slowly the pages turn
Searching for lost wisdom
What lessons can be learned
From aeons past
Normally I hate to read
Mostly because of my 2nd grade speed
But this book put a spell on me
The last page is turned
A history of the world
Same shit different day
War, famine, death
Political hoax
And it's like
I’ve seen a ghost
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6. |
Graveyard Girl
04:04
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Practicing necromantic spells
For this I’ll probably do some time in hell
Down at the graveyard baby
I’ve been coming here a lot lately
And I’m hoping tonight I’m a-gettin’ lucky, huh!
Graveyard girl
She’s lying 6 feet under
And I got 6 inches in my pants
She may be decomposed
But honey that’s the way I like it
And I’m ready to bone
At the end of my last incantation
She must have heard my call for penetration
From the grave she started to rise
Her empty socket caught my eye
And I knew in my soul that I'd score tonight
Graveyard girl
She’s got rigor mortis
And I’m a-gettin’ stiff myself
Must be from heaven above
Cause she smells like rotten meat
And I’m lookin’ for love
Graveyard girl
Don’t know how she succumbed
But I can’t hide my chub
Her pleasure is my goal
So I’ll take the plunge
Down her wormhole
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7. |
Trapped In A Portapotty
07:00
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I’ve had to pee
For the last six hours
Just down the street
I see a portajohn
I run inside
Allow the stream to flow
I hear a knock
Ocupado amigo!
And then I hear a click
Unmistakable
The clasping of metal
On the latch of the door
I start to kick
I try to cut
I’m invoking a curse
But it’s clear I’m fucked
Nightfall
Descends
Stilled locked in the stall
Hope
Fading fast
Diarrhea tomb
Drifting off to sleep
Morning rise
A brand new day
Assaulting my nostrils
Fecal bouquet
Will I escape
Or is this where I die?
Can’t see a way out
Maybe I’ll jack to pass the time
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Crusty Old Toad Portland, Oregon
Toaderus Crusticus emerged from the swamp in the autumn of 2015 with one thing on his amphibian mind: heavy fuckin' metal.
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