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King Cryptid

by Crusty Old Toad

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    Cardboard CD wallet. These are limited to 50 copies and will likely never be made again. I've done my best to keep the price on these as low as possible, I only ask that you pay shipping. Shipping is cheap to the US, not so much to the rest of the world, sorry about that.

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1.
I’m a fuckin' vampire!! Since 1395 I made a deal on my deathbed For eternal life The devil smiled upon me As I signed my name in blood I thought I’d cheated death But the worst was yet to come I’m not among the living And so I cannot die But neither am I dead Oh man alive Wish I could take it all back Don’t wanna be grumpy old drac Six hundred years I’ve been around And everyone I love Is 6 feet beneath the ground I dream of death But it never comes It’s all I want Please just let me turn to dust That’s not what I ordered Send it back
2.
Ain’t talkin bout fantasy This is real as an STD When the angel of death Comes a-lookin for me When the veil of society Is gone, set your spirit free is it time for tears Or will you smile back Life is short and progress slow And no man knows Until it’s time The sands of time are running low So get your kicks Before you turn Into a skeleton Dead men walking in the street Shattered glass yet now complete It’s just a matter of time But I’ll wait It’s like watching m night shyamalan But you know the twist in the end Nobody escapes And no one can run Life is short and progress slow And no man knows Until it’s time The hourglass is running low So get your fill Before you turn Into a skeleton The whiskey jar is running low So raise your glass
3.
King Cryptid 02:58
Far beyond these earthly tethers Lies a place that time can’t measure Dark and damp, fog and rain Somewhere between time and space A swamp world made for me Oh I just can’t wait to be King cryptid Eternal bog, cosmic swamp You can call it whatever you want A kingdom made for me And in this realm I’ll be King cryptid
4.
Frog Coffin 03:20
By shade of night I open the gate And I finally feel that I’m At home Full moon above The inviting earth below I think I’ll lay my bones To rest I crack the lid To my Frog coffin A feeling of calm returns to me Tonight I rest among the dead Tonight I feel that I am free Someday I’ll sleep here forever When it’s time to take my final rest Life becomes more livable When you know It ends in certain death Wow! I climb inside Lower the lid And my whole world turns To black Calm and content In my frog coffin And boy I really don’t wanna Go back I’d rather live Among the dead Quiet neighbors No complaints from me For now I’ll have to wait Til I stay forever in the coffin's peace
5.
Seen A Ghost 05:14
A box of free stuff On the corner Underneath the Broken glass inside Covered in dust I saw an old tome From a long, long Fucking time ago Slowly the pages turn Searching for lost wisdom What lessons can be learned From aeons past Normally I hate to read Mostly because of my 2nd grade speed But this book put a spell on me The last page is turned A history of the world Same shit different day War, famine, death Political hoax And it's like I’ve seen a ghost
6.
Practicing necromantic spells  For this I’ll probably do some time in hell Down at the graveyard baby  I’ve been coming here a lot lately  And I’m hoping tonight I’m a-gettin’ lucky, huh! Graveyard girl She’s lying 6 feet under And I got 6 inches in my pants She may be decomposed But honey that’s the way I like it And I’m ready to bone At the end of my last incantation  She must have heard my call for penetration  From the grave she started to rise  Her empty socket caught my eye And I knew in my soul that I'd score tonight Graveyard girl  She’s got rigor mortis  And I’m a-gettin’ stiff myself  Must be from heaven above  Cause she smells like rotten meat And I’m lookin’ for love Graveyard girl  Don’t know how she succumbed  But I can’t hide my chub Her pleasure is my goal So I’ll take the plunge  Down her wormhole 
7.
I’ve had to pee For the last six hours Just down the street I see a portajohn I run inside Allow the stream to flow I hear a knock Ocupado amigo! And then I hear a click Unmistakable The clasping of metal On the latch of the door I start to kick I try to cut I’m invoking a curse But it’s clear I’m fucked Nightfall Descends Stilled locked in the stall Hope Fading fast Diarrhea tomb Drifting off to sleep Morning rise A brand new day Assaulting my nostrils Fecal bouquet Will I escape Or is this where I die? Can’t see a way out Maybe I’ll jack to pass the time

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The 4th album

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released February 24, 2023

Toaderus Crusticus - Solo practitioner

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Crusty Old Toad Portland, Oregon

Toaderus Crusticus emerged from the swamp in the autumn of 2015 with one thing on his amphibian mind: heavy fuckin' metal.

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