Turn People Into Food

by Crusty Old Toad

supported by
Strapping Old Fart
Strapping Old Fart thumbnail
Strapping Old Fart Soul-rending melodic black metal for the discerning young nihilist. Favorite track: The Countess Of Castle Dildor.
drewmusic2113 thumbnail
drewmusic2113 My mind just got forcibly pregnant in the best, worst way possible. This is transcendental stuff, absolutely killer riffage and demonic jamnation with all the seriousness of a joke about dead baby farts, and that's somehow a great thing. Turn that frown inside out, turn that shit up, Turn People Into Food. Favorite track: Frozen Inside.
  • Streaming + Download

    Includes high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more. Paying supporters also get unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app.

      name your price




released April 28, 2017

Toaderus Crusticus - Dungeon master/chronic masturbator



all rights reserved


Crusty Old Toad Portland, Oregon

Toaderus Crusticus emerged from the swamp in the autumn of 2015 with one thing on his amphibian mind: heavy fuckin' metal.

contact / help

Contact Crusty Old Toad

Streaming and
Download help

Redeem code

Track Name: AutoBate-4000
I am the AutoBate-4000
Programmed by man's hand
To bring him to orgasm

But not just dudes
Ladies, I've got beaver buzzers for you too

Prime directive: bring mankind to climax
I'll stop at nothing to achieve that

I'll take you from your bed at night and put you into camps
You'll stand in single file, you're not allowed to bring your pants
Then one by one you will receive what i was programmed for
Til every living one has felt the thrill that is my chore

I've got on-board perfume for the smell

I'll take you from your bed at night and put you into camps
You'll stand in single file, you're not allowed to bring your pants
And once you're here there's no escape, you'll get right back in line
So I can carry out the prime directive until the end of time
Track Name: Ghost Pussy
The witching hour draws near again
As I lay alone inside my bed
I summon her every night
With a Ouija board by candlelight
A chill on my dick
And I know know she's there

She died in 1923
She was a whore before all the HIV
But in death
She still can't get her fill
And the best part is
She doesn't even have to take the pill

Ghost pussy is as tight as it is cold
I can't see her face but I can feel her on my pole
In the mirror I caught a glimpse of her reflection
Her body withered and pale but still I kept my erection

In return she never asks for much
Only to recall the warmth of human touch
But I know every time she leaves she's satisfied
From the ectoplasm on my dick she leaves behind

Ghost pussy, haunting my junk tonight
Track Name: Turn People Into Food
Population overflow on earth
A few too many cunts open for birth
Modern medicine sustaining the weak
Preserving vegetables and planting more seeds
As the human race sleepwalks to extinction

Factory farms spewing filth into the sky
Now your dick don't work
So you've got to stop and wonder why

In the face of a future filled with certain doom
There's one solution and it starts with me and you
Turn people into food

Butcher the sick, devour the weak
Trim the fat and global warming will cease
Give new meaning to the act of eating pussy

They'll teach a course at Le Cordon Bleu
To make a souffle out of me and you
So lick your chops and dig in to a brighter future
Track Name: Edge Of The Forest
The permafrost on my heart is wearing thin
I was terrified but now I'm so glad I let you in
Can't you see, together we're a winning team
You can go to work and I'll be at home watching TV

There's one thing that I know is true
I wanna go to the edge of the forest with you

Cause you don't care when 'just 2 beers' turns into 10
You take no issue with the fact that Satan's my best friend
You don't mind that I got no job to pay the rent
I would drive you to work, but I'm pretty sure your car has no gas left

You want kids, I'm busy watching cartoons
I wanna go to the edge of the forest with you
Track Name: Another Day Above Ground
In the tunnels deep below
I savor the moments til departure
To the sunlight I must return
To walk among the human race

Shifting my shape at will
Disguised as a man named bill
I may have bagged your groceries last night
You just couldn't see my cold amphibian eyes

I've made this journey for thousands of years
To the other side of the crust
But in recent years, swift and steady decline
You humans really fucked this up

Some would believe we control the world
Well I'm just here to get my fill
Waiting for your extinction
And with that, you don't need my help
Track Name: Shadow In The Water
Across the seven seas i ride
On a maiden voyage to the new world
Running from my demons past
A new life is what I shall devise

But then I saw it
Closing in

A shadow in the water
A creature from the depths
I always hoped I would drown in pussy
But the cold black sea will take my last breath

In vain we fight against its wrath
At the mercy of the sea beast's motivation

I was running from my demons
But they knew how to swim
Track Name: Crystal Ball
And the seer saw
Inside her crystal ball
The foulest visions of the end of days
Frogs and fish raining from the sky
No time to ask what how or why

Forget your deepest fears
The flames of armageddon draw ever near
No time now to be afraid
To do that which you must before the final day

I'm gonna double down
On my five knuckle shuffle

I'm gonna find which mouthwash
Has the most alcohol

I'm gonna fuck that girl
Even though she's got a boyfriend

And I'll try to figure out
Why anyone thinks marriage is a good idea

Forget your deepest fears
The flames of armageddon draw ever near
No time now to look away
No, it's time to suit up and seize the day
Track Name: I Turned Into A Human
I was down by the pond sucking on slime
When I felt something grabbing me from behind
I turned around to look and see who had felt the need to bother me
But a set of puckered human lips were all I could see

My limbs started to contort
My warted flesh was peeling from my bones
My body was expanding, assuming its new form
I felt my shape was shifting to a human from a toad

As I looked down at my open palms
For the first time
I couldn't help but stop to think
For jerking off these will do just fine

Since that kiss turned me into a human I see life differently
Now I need a job to pay my bills and I aim when I go pee
I feel the need to clothe myself when I'm walking down the street
And I know no matter what I do, someday I'm gonna die
Track Name: The Countess Of Castle Dildor
Behind these walls, an evil spirit dwells
Deep within the woods of Dildoria
Her lust for eternal youth
Has forged a reckless path
But in her blackened keep
She has come upon the answer

Compelled by vanity and pleasure
In her fortress she could live forever

Her prisoners
Lay helpless and in chains
Each one of them male
Testes forcibly drained
For they posses the precious medicine
Lives sustained and milked for their cum

On a diet
Strictly of whole milk and pineapple

Bubble baths, facial creams, rejuvenating lotions
Her prisoners' spunk in a variety of potions
Her skin stays silky smooth with no bags beneath her eyes
Replenishing with the seed of 600 guys
Track Name: Frozen Inside
In the midsummer night
Sweat is dripping from my pores
Think I need to change
My boxers

Remedy of ice
I need something frozen to the core
To keep my blood
Running cold

When all of a sudden trumpets from heaven sound
The most beautiful tune, simple and profound
I submit to its power and slip into trance
As my legs start to run toward the ice cream man